As of two days ago, I’m back in Costa Rica. I’m thrilled to be here, but I realize that my arrival begs the question: “Are you better now? Are you going back to work?”
Few people realize this, but this month marks the 2nd year of my back pain. Two years…twenty-four months…730 days of chronic pain…that adds up to 1,051,200 minutes of constant pain… most of those at a pain level of 8 out of 10. On a good day my pain level hovers around a 5….
As I think back over the past two years, I wonder how it is that I’ve kept going through it all…many of you have commented on my strength, on how brave I am, on my great faith….
I’m not, though. Brave, I mean. Or amazing…or any other adjective my friends keep telling me. Here, let me prove it to you. Here’s just a sampling from my journal over the past year:
How long must I wait? I’m so tired of this pain…
In pain. Again. Dear God, why don’t you heal me? Why do I have to hurt every day?
I feel like I’m asking for the same things over & over…
…it’s so hard to keep going when nothing changes…..
I’ve resigned myself to this body, to the pain. I’ve stopped believing that you will heal me. I’m sorry, Lord. My faith doesn’t seem strong enough for all of this. Help my unbelief, God; show me that your mighty hand is moving with purpose in my life. Please please take the pain away totally.
I feel like the dry bones in Ezekiel–no life in them at all.
Please God. My body hurts all the time. Please please take away the pain completely. Please cause a miracle to happen in my life. I want to hope in You but it is so hard!
Lord–I’ve cried so many times. Are you hearing me? Do you value my tears? Where is your comfort? I’m begging you to come and rescue me from this pain.
There you have it, folks. The real deal. I’m still in constant pain, though I know I hide it very well. Just sitting here, writing this blog entry, my pain has increased two levels. I hate this, I really do. I’m often reduced to inactivity because of the sharp twinges or never-ending aches. I wish that God would reach down and perform a miraculous physical healing upon my body. He hasn’t….I will not turn my back on Him for that, because there are many other, smaller ways in which He has brought me joy.
Today I am strengthened by this verse in Hebrews 10:23: “Dear brothers & sisters, we can boldly enter heaven’s Most Holy Place because of the blood of Jesus…Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise.”
This body of mine still aches…but I will still cling to my God. It is enough that he saved me and promised me eternal life. ALL PRAISE TO THE ALMIGHTY ONE!