I know that people have the best of intentions, but so many comments are less than helpful. Today a girl asked me how I was feeling, and I responded “I’m resting right now. I rested earlier, felt slightly better, went out for an hour and the end of that was so exhausted and in a lot of pain so now I’m reduced to lying in bed again.” She told me, “It’s good to rest. Keep resting.” I wanted to say so many things back…but I just nodded mutely and walked on…
I hear from time to time that I’m “lucky” that I’m not working full time…and “how nice” that I’m taking some time off, as if this were a vacation?!?!?!?! Believe me, I’d rather be working 40 hours a week than this “can I/can’t I” life that I lead…constantly assessing how much pain I’m in, how long since my last (lying-down) rest, how long before I will need to rest again, can I make it 5 more minutes? 10? Can I go to work today? Will I have to cancel a visit to one of my girls? Did I remember to lie down before getting on the bus because I might be stuck in traffic and unable to do anything to relieve the rising pain? Do I sit in church with everyone else and feel like I’m part of a family–while the pain increases–or do I go up to the pastor’s office to lie down–and feel all alone?
This life is exhausting…physically exhausting because I have to drag this broken body around and it gives out so quickly. Mentally exhausting because I have to explain to everyone, all the time, what I’ve been through and listen politely to their suggestions to make it better. Emotionally exhausting because I deal with the pain every day, every hour, and I bear up under this hardship for so long, that inevitably I break down into tears and frustration. I still don’t understand why the suffering continues, why I can’t live a normal life again.
But I know God’s ways are higher than my ways, and his thoughts higher than my thoughts. Today I am consoled by the verses at the end of Habbakuk, chapter 3.
“Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren, even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, yet I wil rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation! The sovereign Lord is my strength! He makes me as surefooted as a deer, able to tread upon the heights.”