Such a hard day. Sitting, standing, sitting, standing, walking, sitting during church, and by the end of it all, I was just trying to stay upright. Got on the bus….got off, and limped my way slowly 1.5 blocks to the house. Straight to bed, no lunch or anything. To bed, with tears in my eyes that quickly gave way to sobs. To hurt so much, for almost 3 years now, it is so hard to live with. Yes, I am stronger than before, but the improvements happen slowly, over many months. And there are still days when the pain slams into me once again, and I’m trying to hang onto God, to trust in Him to lead me through this, but I don’t know how much longer I can take it. I beg and beg to be healed, and wonder what I’m holding back from God, or if I stopped just one doctor short of relief. Will this really be for always? Why is God silent on this matter, when I sense His voice distinctly in other areas of my life?
And so I keep hanging on, believing in God’s goodness and sovereignty over my life, returning to my Bible over and over, praising Him even when I’m crying and hurting beyond belief. Praising God even right after I yell at Him. He has not abandoned me, nor will He ever. His promises are steadfast and true, though my emotions are all over the place.
Psalm 71 says:
O God, do not be so distant from me.
O my God, come quickly to help me.
But I will always have hope.
I will praise you more and more.
My mouth will tell about your righteousness,
about your salvation all day long.
Even then, it is more than I can understand.
You have made me endure many terrible troubles.
You restore me to life again.
You bring me back from the depths of the earth.
You comfort me and make me greater than ever.
And today I’m thankful…
- for hugs from friends,
- for 8 year old Sofia who talked my ear off because she missed me over Christmas,
- for Sonya and her gang of North American students who make me laugh,
- for the pain temporarily subsiding,
- for Jonathan who took me grocery shopping in a car so I didn’t have to carry anything,
- for English worship tonight and meeting some new and interesting people,
- for a bed to lie down on,
- for a ride home,
- and for a KitKat bar (thanks, Jason).